Kind of Disappointed

After "Proceeding with Caution" for a few weeks, I finally opened my past decorated in the yellow envelope.

What I was hoping to be revealed verses what was truly revealed made me feel that I wasted my time and energy on waiting so long to open it.

The Opening:
Exactly nine items were in the yellow envelope.

1. A card from the sender to give me courage and offer enjoyment as to what I was about to see.
2. My baby picture which I was already sent through social media a few months back from the same sender.
3. A picture of my birth mother.
4. A picture of my birth mother and the sender standing together in front of a car with their fists up "Power to the People".
5. A picture of my birth mother's mother.
6. A picture of my birth mother's mother holding some baby, "Not me" of course.
7. A picture of my birth mother's sister's daughter with a band uniform on from middle or high school I guess.
8. A picture of my birth mother's sister and three other girls kneeling in front of her grave.
9. A picture of my birth mother's stepfather who was I was told was molesting her, her sister, and others.

The Contents:

1. The card was beautiful and encouraging. I appreciated the words and the thought to even send a card with the items. 
2. My baby picture made me cry once again because I never knew the newborn me in image.
3. My birth mother looks NOTHING like me, absolutely NO features. If the baby picture of me didn't look like me, I would think the lady that sent the stuff to me and the trip I took a few years back was all a lie.
4. The picture of my birth mother and the lady who sent me the stuff proves that they were best friends or at least close enough to know each other's hidden secrets :).
5. The picture of my "grandmother" was unsettling because of the stories that I heard about her not believing the abuse that her daughters were receiving and allowing her teenage daughter to give me up for adoption.
6. The picture of my "grandmother" holding a baby that is not me, is confusing because I am trying to find myself, not her with someone else.
7. The picture of my "cousin" doesn't serve a purpose to my past as far as finding myself out. But I accept this picture because her and I have kept in contact since I made my first visit a few years ago to meet her.
8. My birth mother's grave is important in some way because I would love to know where she is buried.
9. The picture of the stepfather is confusing to me as well because if the sender and my birth mother were so close, then she would know what this man did and know that I am aware at this point through my "cousin". So I question why this was even saved and sent by her.

The Gain:

1. I am now more confused then ever as to the people from my past because my birth mother and I have no similarities at all.
2. I am confused about the "stepfather" roll in my birth mother and her sibling's lives.
3. I am wondering how the sender felt that the pictures she sent me would give me comfort. There was only two pictures that really stood out about me. The rest were irrelevant for the most part.
4. I feel that I have to research even more now because I have so many more questions that arose because of the envelope full of disappointing irrelevant information. I received more from the adoption agency that I was adopted from years ago than I have from the family and "best friend" of my birth mother thus far.

At this point, I am Kind of Disappointed in the yellow envelope's content because it lead to false belief in what I expected to be revealed to me.

• Where are the letters she may have written to her best friend or boyfriend, my so called father???
• Where is a piece of jewelry that belonged to her???
• What was her favorite perfume aroma???
• Where is her favorite scarf or hair bow that she would have left at her best friend's house???
• Where is the shirt that she left at her house when she stayed the night???

I guess expecting a package from someone who said they would be sending you as they clean out a house made my expectations of what I was receiving a big disappointment. Instead I received an envelope that created more confusion to my past then I needed. 

But I cannot fault the sender because she wouldn't know what I was expecting without knowing what to expect.