My adoption was official at 9 months, but apparently was given up for adoption several months before that. My birth mother was 14 when she got pregnant and 3 months shy of 15 when she had me and did not want me to go through the dysfunctional life that she was experiencing.
My favorite uncle from my adopted family told me
during my search to beware when you open up Pandora's Box.
Well I opened it and found out so much information that made me feel for my birth mother and what she went through at such a young age. I now know that she did not want to see her child go through the same thing. She was apparently abused physically, sexually, and mentally by her stepfather. Because of what she had to go through, she was suicidal and from the paperwork I received from the adoption agency, she had tried to commit suicide a few times and ended up hospitalized.According to my birth aunt, L.R., she did not want to get close to me when I was born. She would just dress in a pretty little dress every morning and then sit me on the sofa every day. L.R said she believes my birth mother knew she was not going to keep me so did not want to love me and jeopardize my future. L.R said her and my birth grandmother came home and social services was taking me to the car (probably in the white car seat that I have a picture of that I love, the only baby picture of me) .
All those years, I never thought to ask my adopted parents
why there were no infant pictures of me at birth.
(just a thought that could have raised an eyebrow earlier in my life)
There is some choppy time frames in what my birth aunt L.R says happened as far as when social services took me and when my birth mother died. One thing is according to the newspaper article, she died 2 years after giving birth to me (from the adoption agency). But according to L.R, she says she died a week after giving me up for adoption. I know that I was with my adopted family 6 months after I was born because of adoption agency information and also the doctor cleared my health to get adopted by my adopted family November of the same year I was born. I am not sure but I think because L.R was a young teenager as well, memory may not be as accurate.
Through my search, I found out that I have 3 cousins, my birth aunt's kids.
She tells me that my birth mother's favorite was one of the girls, E.R.
Through conversation, I have found that E.R and I probably
would have been real close growing up! So close that both
our two girls have the same names
(things that make you go hmmmm!).
My birth male cousin, also E.R., stays to himself
pretty much, and my birth other female cousin, N.R. is very outspoken.
I have gotten to know my two female cousins and my aunt
(but you have to wait for the next blog post for an update, sorry!).
I can now let go of the hurt feeling of not being wanted by my birth mother, there is so much that she went through, having to become a woman early in her young life, then losing her life at Sixteen. Even though she felt she did not want to love me because she was giving me up, I feel that she loved me enough to try to make my life better and not have to go through the abuse and the dysfunctional family lifestyle that she had to live until her demise. I say I grew up in a dysfunctional family but nothing like what she went through. My dysfunction was more of ignorance to the value of love for your children and family but instead valuing the mighty dollar to make people believe that your family was the best. I had a mother that showed no mother to daughter love, but she had a mother that showed her mother to daughter love but was an alcoholic and lacked visual perception as to the men she bought around her daughters and grandchildren. I had a father that showed me I was daddy's little girl as a child, but she did not know who her real daddy was and the one that acted as her father was apparently sexually abusive to her. I thank God that I did not have a father that I could not trust and felt that I had to lock myself in my room at night so that he could not get in because of the fear of being sexually abused. I thank God for making my birth mother mature enough to have the mindset to give her baby girl a chance to experience the good in life. I hope she is resting knowing that she did a great thing for me even through my deceitful struggles. Adopted into Deceit is a negative thing, but it could have been worse.
Within two months, I have began a journey that is full of smiles, laughter, tears, pain, and love. Yes I have experienced all of those throughout my life, but what makes this different is that it is my Birth Family, My Blood, My Roots. Now all my questions of what, why, when, where, and who can get answered.
Why do I have dark circles under my eyes since I was young?
Who does my oldest daughter have Chinese looking eyes?
Why did my son's foot turn out when he started to walk?
Where did my youngest daughter get her tallness from?
So many questions are being answered now, but
THE BIG QUESTION OF THEM ALL THAT HAS NOT BEEN SOLVED
Who is my father?
The Search is Over, the Journey has Begun!
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