Malfunctioned Motherhood

The relationship a mother and daughter share should be like best friends, able to share and learn from each other. A daughter should be able to go to her mother and be embraced with open arms, "I love you", and laughter. A mother shows her daughter how to be a lady, teaches her how to cook, and explains life's road ahead based on her adulthood experiences. They have mother daughter days, time spent watching television, and making dinners together. A mother is happy about her daughter's prom, graduation, and wedding day. They shop together for those big days and coordinate festivities to follow to make enjoyable memories.

Growing up with my adopted mother was confusing to me. I felt that she loved me, but at the same time there was a sense of jealousy. She competed with my adopted father to prove that she was just as much of a financial supporter as him, that her job was more interesting then his, that spending time with him was hurting my relationship with her.  As I mentioned in my previous blogs, I was a daddy's girl as a child. Why? It seemed my adopted father was more flexible to do things with me then my adopted mother. His job was more flexible for me to go to and spend the day. I am not mad at her for having the job she had, it required her undivided, uninterrupted attention. She was a hard worker as well, don't get me wrong. The problem was her job and her home started to clash. Instead of being compassionate at home, she was still a researcher at home (another term for what her real job consisted of). Instead of hugs and kisses, it was "what, when, and why". She wasn't that mother to come support you at your after school activities. I blame the weekdays on work, but the weekends, "well mom, where were you?". Also, her childhood and adulthood with her mother contributed to how she treated me as my mother.

I was a cheerleader in middle and high school! I ran track in middle school as well. Also, I was in a junior sorority in high school. Both schools were within a minute from my house. One was even in front of my house. I guess she watched me from home because she was never physically in eyesight. All the other mothers were there cheering with their daughters, coming to practices, etc. I got to know how to be there as a mother for my kids extracurricular activities from those moms. Again, I do not blame her for being a hard worker, she was definitely there financially, but support and compassion for her adopted daughter was lacking. I know she loved me, but I did not feel that mother daughter love that I saw in other homes. I had every thing materialistic that many of my friends and cousins didn't have, but I felt they were more complete because they could lay their heads on their mother, have a good cry, hang out as a mother-daughter-friend, and look out and see their mom enjoying their interest with other mothers during extracurricular activities.

Call me crazy, but I choose love, compassion, and motherly support over materialistic things. I can hug materialistic things but they can't hug me back. I can say I love you to materialistic things but they can't say it back. I can tell materialistic things how I made the varsity cheer leading squad my first try, but they can't come see me cheer and be proud of the varsity freshman cheerleader. I needed that from the woman who picked me from a picture, who paid to raise me, who decided to change my birth name to fit how she looked at me as her own, and who taught one of my first words to be calling her "MOM". She told me she use to come in my room and talk to me while I slept. She told me she grew up not having the love and compassion from her own mother. When I'm sleep, just like most dreams, I do not remember or know what happened. Her childhood should have given her more reason to want what she didn't have in a mother-daughter relationship with her own mother.

I will say thank you to her for showing me how to become a financial supporter to my children. But I truly thank her for teaching me that work is important to support your family, but love, compassion, and supporting your children on a parenting love level is most important and more cherishing for the growing and learning childhood memory. For me growing and learning to live within a Malfunctioned Motherhood has taught me to be a better mother for my children, balancing work and home quality time, extracurricular support parent, being that shoulder to lean on, and always open arms for hugs and kisses for my children.